I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
