I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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