Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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