I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
