I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
