So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
