im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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