My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
