maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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