I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
