We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
