Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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