Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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