I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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