everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
