Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
