gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
