i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
