Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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