i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
