i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
