I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
