so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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