I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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