I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
