On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
