I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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