2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
