Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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