I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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