just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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