Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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