from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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