Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
