I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
