we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
