your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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