Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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