He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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