Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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