how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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