And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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