seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
