i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
