dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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