I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize