blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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