I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
