The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
