This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
