Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
