Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
