apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
