I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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